When I was younger, I saw the world in clear, sharp lines.
You were either with me or against me.
Looking back, I think a lot of younger people see things that way. Certainty feels safer than nuance. It makes decisions simpler, alliances clearer. But it also makes compassion harder. And I’m sure I hurt people along the way. I know I got hurt plenty myself.
Life, however, has a way of softening the edges.
With every friendship, conflict, disappointment, and moment of connection, I began to see that things were rarely as simple as I thought. You never really know why someone reacts the way they do. There could be a whole storm behind their words. A private grief. An invisible pressure.
And somewhere along the way, the benefit of the doubt became a part of my life.
That doesn’t mean I accept everything or excuse hurtful behaviour. It means I hold space for the possibility that I don’t know the whole story.
Learning the Shades of Grey
I’ve been through phases.
First, the black and white years.
Then, when friendships felt too complicated to navigate alone, I went to therapy. And in the process, I learned to think before speaking — but I overcorrected.
I went from sharp edges to becoming a full-blown people pleaser. I lived in the lighter shades of grey, always trying to soften myself to fit, to keep the peace.
Now, in middle age — and even though menopause has its many challenges — there’s one thing I’ve embraced:
Speaking up for myself.
But now I speak up kindly, with compassion. I no longer burn someone to the ground for disagreeing with me, as I sometimes did in my youth. I’ve learned that there’s a way to protect my boundaries without destroying someone else’s.
Do I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure this out? Yes. But life experience matters. And so does guidance along the way.
A Little Guidance for Those Still in the Black-and-White Years
If I could offer anything to someone standing where I once stood, it would be this:
- Pause before reacting. Give yourself a breath before you speak or act.
- Assume complexity. Remember there may be more to someone’s behaviour than you can see.
- Separate disagreement from dislike. Someone can disagree with you and still care about you.
- Protect your boundaries without hostility. Speaking up doesn’t require cutting others down.
- Choose compassion, even when it’s hard. It doesn’t mean letting people walk over you — it means letting them be human.
Bringing Colour to the Grey
Life is not black and white.
It’s not even just shades of grey.
With kindness and compassion, those greys come alive. They take on colour — subtle shades, bright tones, unexpected hues that make life richer and more textured.
Black and white may feel safe, but the real beauty is in the spectrum in between. It’s where growth happens, where understanding blooms, and where we find the kind of connection that lasts.
If you’re learning to navigate the in-between with kindness, you might also like The Gentle Strength of Boundaries — a reflection on protecting your peace while staying open-hearted.